


Just like in Riverdale

by coffee_rings



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Crack, Cults, Gen, Humor, M/M, Riverdale, are claude and hubert friends? enemies? romantic interests? its up to you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 09:21:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29258109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffee_rings/pseuds/coffee_rings
Summary: “—and that’s not even mentioning their freaky little bible study group!” adds Claude, who is Muslim and also just has a sixth sense for weird vibes.“They do have a pseudo-religious membership pledge,” agrees Hubert, who is an outspoken atheist and apparently also has a sixth sense for weird vibes.In trying to unravel the mystery of Seteth and Flayn’s highly suspicious relationship, Claude just might make an unlikely friend.
Relationships: Claude von Riegan & Hubert von Vestra
Comments: 11
Kudos: 19





	Just like in Riverdale

The boys’ locker room at Garreg Mach High School always smells like teenage boy sweat. Which makes sense, because it’s full of teenage boys. But it also smells like feet, which makes no sense, because no one has to take off their socks to change into their gym uniform. But that’s a mystery for another day.

In any event, most people try to talk as little as possible in here so as to breathe less of the air. But Claude, who plays an ongoing game of trying to start fresh discourse, is undeterred. 

“Yo, does anyone think there’s something fishy about Seteth and Flayn?” he asks to announce his presence on Monday morning as he strides in and whips off his shirt before PE class.

Linhardt is changing at a sloth-like pace, clearly trying to make himself as late to class as he can manage with Ferdinand as a babysitter. Caspar and Raphael are nowhere to be seen, probably already warming up on the field. Lorenz, unfairly, gets a PE exemption for riding horses. 

Claude takes his place at the lockers between Hubert and Ignatz.

“Seriously,” he continues, “I just passed by Seteth’s office, and I saw Flayn _crying in his arms_. Like, I know he’s the school guidance counselor, but what teenager does that? Why would she go to _her father_ , at the beginning of the school day, to literally _sob in his embrace_?” Claude addresses the question to the whole room, gesturing at no one in particular. “For real, when’s the last time you cried in your father’s arms?” 

“Not since infancy,” says Hubert instantly. 

“Exactly, thank you. It’s suspicious as fuck. They do _not_ have a normal parent-child relationship—and that’s not even mentioning their freaky little bible study group!” adds Claude, who is Muslim and also just has a sixth sense for weird vibes.

“They do have a pseudo-religious membership pledge,” agrees Hubert, who is an outspoken atheist and apparently also has a sixth sense for weird vibes. 

On Claude’s other side, Ignatz frowns. “SEIROS isn’t bible study,” he says, “it’s a non-denominational group for spirituality and community-building—”

“Yeah, yeah, I know the acronym,” Claude dismisses with a wave of his hand. “Schism of 1054, Entitlement, Occultism, whatever. Terrible acronym, by the way.”

“None of those words are in the acronym.”

“Hm. Guess it’s even worse than I thought.”

“Claude, I’m serious! They have really nice arts and crafts activities, and community service—it’s a truly calming and positive space for—”

“I’m just saying,” Claude says, putting his hands up to show his innocence, “I think it’s fucking weird. Like, Flayn can have her little club, but does her literal dad need to be there? And what other club has _multiple_ faculty advisors? The fact that she gets both her father the guidance counselor _and_ the Headmistress herself—”

“And free use of the school’s art supplies,” Hubert chimes in. “Whereas when Edelgard wanted to use poster-boards to make signs for the protest last month…”

“Yeah, exactly! SEIROS gets way too much institutional support to truly be considered a student-run club. Like, what are they, a cult?”

Ferdinand rolls his eyes while rolling on deodorant. “I’m sure there’s nothing untoward going on.”

“Really?” Hubert sneers. “Because Bernadetta told me that Seteth ‘strongly encouraged’ her to attend a SEIROS meeting. A bit unprofessional in his role as a guidance counselor, no?”

“Bingo,” says Claude, nodding vigorously though this is the first time he’s heard of it. “I mean, talk about recruiting someone when they’re at their most vulnerable!”

“It’s nothing of the sort!” Ferdinand insists. “I’m sure Seteth is just… supporting his daughter’s club! In reasonable, appropriate ways!”

Claude shuts his locker and turns to face Ferdinand. “Okay… so when did _you_ last cry in your father’s arms?”

Ferdinand opens his mouth and closes it again. “I’m not answering that.”

“I can take that answer one of two ways.”

PE proceeds as usual; Claude is lucky enough to be on the same dodgeball team as Leonie and Petra, so they win. Obviously. 

As everyone changes back into their normal uniforms afterwards, Hubert brushes past Claude’s locker and slips in a note: _Find me if you’re serious about wanting the truth._

Claude can’t tell if he’s being hit on, and he’s absolutely intrigued. Hubert is his new best friend.

In fact, Hubert is the one who finds Claude first. He walks into the senior room between classes and stops in front of the couch where Claude is hanging out with some friends. All conversation stops as he clears his throat. “Claude. Have you had time to… consider my proposition?”

Sylvain wolf-whistles. “Damn, okay Hubert!” Hubert flushes and glares at him. “Should I even ask?”

Claude grins. “Hubert here agrees with my theory that Seteth is a cult leader and Flayn is actually his immortal unaging _wife_! Like in Riverdale!"

“Ohhhhhh, I get it now!” Hilda laughs while braiding Dorothea’s hair. “It makes sooooo much sense when you explain it like that.” 

The one eyebrow that’s not hidden behind Hubert’s emo bangs leaps up. “I… excuse me...?”

“Yeah, what the fuck are you talking about?” says Cyril. “They’re perfectly nice people.”

Claude sits up to look at him, hoping Cyril is joking. “Dear god, Cyril, what have they done to you?!” 

“Just because they’re white and Christian doesn’t mean they’re brainwashing me!”

“Dude, do you even hear yourself? That’s such a white take. Months old. Ice cold.”

“I really like SEIROS…” Marianne quietly adds. “Maybe you would like it if you came… And you too, Raphael.” She glances toward the vending machine. “Flayn often bakes cookies.”

“Ooh, really?”

“Forgive me for wanting to hear that from people who haven’t drunk the koolaid,” Claude says, rolling his eyes.

“Wait, what time did you say this club meets?” Sylvain asks.

“Not you, too!” Claude cries in despair.

“Oh, no, I’m 100% planning on living a life of sin. I’m just going to pick up chicks. Nothing more satisfying than seducing a girl with a purity ring.”

“Oh thank god.” Claude slumps in relief. Then he remembers Hubert is standing in front of his whole friend group and looking extremely awkward. “But, uh, to your question: yes. Do you have a plan, or…?”

Hubert gestures toward the corner of the room, and Claude hops up from the couch, amused by the secrecy. Hubert turns his back to everyone else in the room. “I’ve been investigating them for some time now, but I have never been able to earn Flayn’s trust. But you…”

“What do you want me to do?” Claude asks curiously.

“Just ask her what she was upset about. Sometime before the end of lunch. I’ll ask Seteth, and we’ll see if their stories match.” With that, Hubert departs, as if he has serious matters to attend to before third period.

When it comes time to follow Hubert’s instructions, it’s almost too easy. Claude’s plan is as follows:

  1. Stall Flayn as she enters the cafeteria by complimenting her many Hello Kitty accessories.
  2. Get directly in front of her in the lunch line.
  3. Buy all the remaining fish sticks.
  4. Profit.



“ _Twelve_!?” Flayn cries shrilly. “You’re going to eat _twelve_ servings of fish sticks?”

“What can I say? I’m hungry. Although...” Claude pretends to take a minute to think. “Maybe if you could offer me something in exchange...”

“Anything,” she says solemnly.

He hesitates for another moment until Flayn starts looking appropriately desperate. “Alright, alright, I guess I could give you half of them. That is, _if_ you promise to answer one question honestly.”

Flayn sets her jaw in determination. “I—I will.”

“What,” Claude says slowly, “is the last thing you cried over?” Victory is his.

He meets up with Hubert at the lunch table—specifically the goth, edgy kids’ table. Mercedes smiles at him from across the table. Felix scowls and looks the other way. Claude reassures himself with the fact that Annette is also here, so non-goths are also allowed. 

“Fish sticks?” he offers, sitting down next to Hubert.

“Ah, no thank you,” says Hubert. “So were you… able to accomplish your objective?”

“Yep! Just took a little bribery. How about you?”

“Yes,” says Hubert. “I used subtle blackmail.” Claude doesn’t even know what to make of that. “And? What did Flayn say?”

“Hubert…” Edelgard interjects, a cautioning tone in her voice, “you’re not doing anything that would compromise” —she lowers her voice to a whisper— “the unionizing of the facilities staff, right?”

“No, of course not,” says Hubert hastily. “Claude has merely offered to help investigate the faculty conspiracy.” Edelgard, apparently satisfied, turns her attention back to her lunch. Claude wishes, not for the first time, that Hilda had a bit more class consciousness so they could get on this level.

“So?” Hubert asks again, more quietly. “What did she say?”

Claude sighs. “Well, see, here’s the thing: she said that it was the anniversary of her mother’s death.” 

“That’s funny,” says Hubert. “Because Seteth told me the same thing.”

“Well, that makes perfect—“ Claude nearly spits out his capri sun. “What?!”

“Seteth said—and this is a direct quotation—‘It is actually the anniversary of a death of someone quite dear to me. My mother, in fact.’” Hubert delivers the recitation with absolutely no vocal inflection.

“Wait, that means—what? How could _Seteth’s_ mother also be _Flayn’s_ mother? Not even my ‘immortal wife of the cult leader’ theory explains this. No one cries over their mother-in-law! Unless maybe _both_ of their mothers, like… died on the same day? In some kind of cult ritual?”

Hubert’s lip curls in sudden disgust. “Or unless unspeakable things have happened in their family lineage…”

“Wait, no, maybe it’s like, a _metaphorical_ mother!” Claude exclaims. “Like, the ‘Mother’ figure of the organization!”

“Mercedes has mentioned that SEIROS is surprisingly feminist… perhaps it’s matriarchal in structure…”

“It’s Rhea,” Claude suddenly realizes. “Like, I know she’s still alive, but doesn’t Christianity have a whole death and rebirth thing going? She’s their Jesus! ‘Mother’ equals ‘Rhea’ equals ‘leader of the cult’! And like, who knows who else in the faculty is a part of this?”

“You think Headmistress Rhea has died and been reborn,” Hubert repeats flatly.

“You just implied that Seteth fucked his mother! I’m just saying—” Claude realizes he’s raised his voice again because Mercedes and Annette are staring at him, wide-eyed. “I’m just saying, the fictional family system thing just _screams_ cult.”

Hubert narrows his eyes. “I’ll need time to set another trap. Await further instructions.” Claude finds the idea of patience much less exciting than Hubert’s previous offering.

And it’s not his fault he’s only able to wait a week. 

“Goooooood morning, party people!” Claude says. He cheerfully elbows Cyril as he passes him on the way to his locker. “Happy Monday! How’s the faith and healing group going?”

Cyril glares at him. “Perfectly fine, and I wish you would stop asking.” 

“No way, you’re my friend and inside source.”

Cyril sighs. “We’re actually going on a field trip for our meeting this afternoon—”

“No!” Claude shouts. His head is suddenly filled with images of what a cult leader could do with a bus full of high schoolers. “Don’t go, Cyril! They’ll take your organs! Or brand you! Or sell you!”

“What? No they won’t. We’re just going to a local farm—”

“ _The Farm_!?” Claude exclaims. “Oh god, this really _is_ like Riverdale!”

“Man, I dunno what you—” 

But Claude is already gone. He’s marching to the boys’ locker room, formulating a new plan:

  1. Find Hubert.
  2. Find a way to get called to Seteth’s office together and wring the truth out of him.
  3. Turn Seteth (and perhaps the whole faculty) in to the authorities.
  4. Save everyone from having their kidneys stolen. And if the school gets closed, profit.



Luckily, Hubert is already there, just starting to take off his many uniform-code-violating accessories. He’s in the midst of peeling off his hot topic skeleton gloves, about to open his gym locker when Claude bursts in and spins him around by the shoulders. 

“Hubert.” He fixes Hubert with a look of dead seriousness. “We have to finish this today. You’re willing to do anything to get the truth, right?”

Hubert looks alarmed. “I—did something happen?”

“Hubert. Do you trust me?”

“What?” Hubert asks as Claude punches him in the face.

Hubert, despite his intimidating height, is a boy made of spaghetti; he’s knocked back against his locker by the force of the blow. His skull ricochets off of it with a _bang._ The room erupts into chaos.

“What are you doing?!” cries Ferdinand. Out of the corner of his eye, Claude can see Caspar rolling up his sleeves (whether to intervene or join in, he can’t tell) and Linhardt using the confusion as an opportunity to slink out of the room.

“I’m getting Seteth,” says Ignatz. 

Perfect.

Seteth can be a bit intimidating when he wants to be. Like right now, as he leans over his desk, fingers steepled in front of him. “What, exactly,” he says, glancing between Hubert and Claude, “is the problem here, boys?" 

Sadly, Claude’s brain had not gotten this far in the plan when he decided to punch Hubert in the face. 

His mind races to come up with some way to shock the truth out of Seteth. What information could they use? The fact that Seteth didn’t actually seem to be Flayn’s father?

“You can't help us,” Claude says. “Only someone who has actually fathered a child can help us.” And maybe it works, because Seteth looks as if he’s about to shit a brick. 

“Wh—I—” On second thought, Seteth seems to be speechless.

“Really?” groans Hubert. “ _This_ was your plan? What’s wrong with blackmail?”

Claude scrambles to say anything that could possibly make this make sense. “I—what I mean is that—”

And then Seteth’s office door flies open. In bursts Ferdinand, who righteously exclaims, “They’re siblings, you fools! _Siblings_! You could have found this in the library!” 

Claude blinks as Ferdinand brandishes what appears to be a sheet of paper with a genealogy chart printed on it. “Y-you found it in the library?” Ferdinand steps aside and points behind him at Linhardt, who’s leaning in the doorway, picking at his nails. 

“So, as you now see,” Ferdinand continues, “there was absolutely no need for violence! And nothing fishy is going on either!”

“But... their mother! And the field trip!”

“May I ask,” says Seteth, “what in god’s name you’re talking about?”

They all get detention, of course. Claude for punching Hubert. Hubert for attempting blackmail. Ferdinand and Linhardt for researching a faculty member’s ancestry.

But all’s well that ends well. Claude apologizes to Flayn, and she explains that Seteth is her legal guardian. He attends a SEIROS meeting and still thinks it’s sus.

 _Friends?_ he scribbles on a scrap of paper to Hubert during detention.

 _Enemies,_ Hubert passes back. 

Claude still thinks this might be Hubert’s way of flirting, because after all of this, there’s no way they aren’t friends.

**Author's Note:**

> credit to ale for giving me this idea <3


End file.
